Many of the courses we run at Aspire focus on people management. It’s not really a surprise considering we’re a soft skills training company – managing people is what we’re about. The thorny issue for many of us is those soft skills turn out to be quite hard to get right. They can be strangely elusive when you need them the most.
As managers, we need to be fair and more than that – we need to be seen to be fair. We are required to get high performance out of our teams and give “constructive feedback” if this isn’t happening, if the required targets aren’t being hit, for example. This is why businesses rely on standardisation and measurement, all of which are supported by processes to get things right.
It makes sense to manage people by the book, and if we were creatures of logic, that would be fine.
However, until the entire workforce is replaced by AI robots, we would do well to consider the bits of us that aren’t based on logic. And that’s where the soft skills come in. When logic fails, it’s usually because of the gut (instinct) or the heart (emotions). Neither of which is a forte of AI at present, and at least until quantum physics and spirituality crack the code of consciousness, I’m not holding my breath on that one….
Managing people in the workplace does involve clarity, consistency, decision-making and follow-through. You need systems that work and boundaries that are understood.
But all that doesn’t make you likeable, and it doesn’t make people want to follow your lead or go the extra mile. It doesn’t inspire and make people feel valued.
So – how do you get the people you manage to actually want to work with you and with each other? To be intrinsically motivated and eager to show initiative and step up to the plate?
This isn’t anything new. Soft skills aren’t a new concept. Emotional Intelligence has been the mainstay of corporate training for years as corporations desperately try to get managers to read the room, to empathise, and to use wise and careful judgment when handling a team of human people who have feelings which will inevitably dictate their behaviour one way or another.
As entrepreneurs and businesses look to AI as the new efficiency cure-all, there is a growing whisper that is getting louder where people dare to breathe the words likability, instinct, warmth, and intuition…
One of my pet hates is the word “personable”. This is only ever used in a corporate context as far as I can gather. (I’ve never heard it used in the pub to describe a mate). Let’s get this straight – it means being able to be a person. Is this not a given any more? Is this a skill or quality worth listing on a cv nowadays?
In our people management courses at Aspire, we strive to help people bring their humanity into the workplace. This is at a time when we all run the risk of becoming more isolated working from home in a post-COVID world, as we depend on automated processes and dive into AI and the racing progress of technology.
Being liked is not the ultimate goal, but being human is, and the difference is important.
Why likability has an impact on managing people
When we’re working with groups on people management, we often reference Robert Cialdini’s classic book, “Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion”.
Two of his key principles are:
1. Liking
– he describes how we, as humans, are pulled to agree with people we like and others who like us will tend to want to find agreement with us too.
2. Reciprocity
– in a similar vein, we tend to want to repay favours done for us. We are social beings and this works as a social transaction.
Liking tends to be based on perceived similarities, understanding, and trust. And this is based partly on first impressions and partly on our experience over time with the other person. In their actions and behaviours we see playing out with ourselves and with others. (Hence the common dating advice – always check how a potential new partner treats the waiter!)
Reciprocity is not so much meant as an economic transaction but an exchange of favours based on our social agreement as humans. If I offer to get you a coffee as I am getting one (with no apparent trade off), you will be more inclined to take an opportunity to wash up my cup when you wash yours maybe several days later. And so a relationship of mutual support starts to form.
It may be that a manager who is respected (possibly feared) but not liked will have a team who get the work done but won’t be so inclined to do the extra yards to make it special. So compliance may be good but real commitment and energy may be lacking.
How do you learn to be likeable as a people manager?
Beware the oil slick of sleazy sales tricks.
Most people have a pretty good radar for inauthentic behaviour (that’s human instinct for you).
We all know the feeling of being “managed” by pseudo-charm. The over-use of your name (often getting it slightly wrong). The forced warmth, solid eye contact and insincere smile.
These are basic rapport-building techniques that need to be built on real curiosity, respect, and care with a very light touch or you can come across like you’ve swallowed a training manual straight out of the 1970s.
Authentic likability is not about technique. It’s about congruence. People are far more likely to experience you as likeable when your behaviour consistently aligns with your values. The bit of you that cares about people. When your interest in them is real, not calculating and when you can be warm, empathetic and clear at the same time.
Look for what you can give
To encourage a climate of reciprocity, look for opportunities to “pay it forward” to the people you manage. People often feel that the upward chain in the workplace is trying to get more and more out of them for no reward. Try turning that concept on its head and think of what you can give to them without asking for a return.
Respect is underestimated in its impact and is something that can be freely given as an everyday gift. The way you address people, wish them good morning, remember their special occasions, acknowledge good work, and consult with them (rather than order them about) can all raise your credit in your bank of reputation as a people manager.
Likability without capability doesn’t work
Of course, as a people manager you don’t always get to give people warm and fuzzy messages.
Clear boundaries and expectations are important and sometimes you may have to give some difficult messages.
At this point it’s important to be courageous. Hold onto those key principles of respect and trust. Trust the team member to be OK to accept calm clarity and allow yourself to be OK to give it.
As a manager, you obviously need to understand the work and follow through with wise judgement. The people you manage won’t always be perfect on this road.
Developing people in the workplace does mean stretching them as well as offering support. It may mean giving straightforward feedback, and making decisions that won’t always be popular. You can still show curiosity, empathy and self-awareness in the conversation.
What this means for people management training
In our people management courses, we find that companies aren’t generally asking for perfect managers. They want “personable” ones.
In human-speak, they want managers who listen properly, who are not pushing their own agenda and overspeaking or drumming their fingers whilst waiting to talk; Who can say no without being dismissive; Who can challenge without humiliating others; Who aren’t afraid to admit mistakes and take responsibility to sort things out rather than blaming others for fear of losing authority.
This is why people management training has to go beyond techniques and processes or even scripts or mnemonics for conversations. These are simply tools, and they don’t work without a human being behind them. In fact, they tend to fail without the empathy and nuance that a real person brings to the party. Tools don’t build trust but people can.
When respect and genuine human connection sit together, managing people stops being something you do to people, and becomes something you do with them.
And that’s when people management really starts to work.
