Personal Impact and Assertiveness is a big umbrella topic that really boils down to:

exploring how we come across to others

and

how do we hit the right note when it comes to getting our voices heard whilst respecting the rights and needs of others?

Some of the common reasons people come along or are “sent” to our Personal Impact and Assertiveness courses are because they want to feel more confident in meetings where they can feel their visibility or their voices are getting squashed, some want to be able to challenge ideas or requests without stirring up conflict or appearing “bossy”, and some just want some help representing themselves in a way that feels more authentic and true to the way they feel.

A lot of what stops us doing this is our fear of the impact we might have on others. Either that we might get trodden on or that we might be seen as a bully. We err on the side of caution and often end up rushing to the opposite side of the spectrum. So, for fear of being trodden on, we may gird our loins, square our shoulders and risk being aggressive. Or for fear of being aggressive or inconsiderate, we might dumb ourselves down, not interrupt, or mitigate our feedback with humour to soften the impact we fear it might have.

Here are some of the questions we often hear in our training rooms, along with some of our thoughts in response.

 What’s the difference between being assertive and being aggressive?

This is a good one to ask because it shows a level of self-awareness and a willingness to flex your approach.

Assertiveness isn’t necessarily about being louder, more aggressive or forcing your own way. The way we see it, it’s more about being clear about your intentions and your needs, whilst still respecting the intentions and needs of others.

Aggression seeks domination to control a situation, while assertiveness lays out a different viewpoint, whilst respecting opinions and discussion.

When assertiveness is missing, the needs of others may appear to be more important, and clarity and boundaries may go unacknowledged and often unnoticed. This means an important part of the bigger picture is missing for everyone involved.

How do I set boundaries without feeling rude or bossy?

Well – Practice makes perfect!

Many people worry that saying “No” will make them come across as unlikable, unhelpful, not a team player, lazy, etc.

What can help shift this concern is to take a long, hard look at what is a good use of your time (It’s easy to fall into the trap of doing an awful lot of stuff we’re not actually paid to do at the expense of focusing on our job description!).

Once that’s clear, then finding a way to put boundaries around what you can offer is a great way to serve the relationship and come across as helpful without overloading yourself. We call it “A Nice No”.

There are myriad options:  you may offer to do a part of what someone is asking for rather than all of it and then hand it back to them, you may point to where they can find information for themselves, or you may put a time frame on when you can do a task that suits you.

If you can’t do something, being honest about it is clarity – it’s not unhelpful. If you have constructive feedback to give someone, being straightforward and clear is helpful – and trusting them as an adult to receive the message and act on it is respectful.

Why do some people respond negatively when I’m simply being direct?

We all have our particular personalities, cultures, foibles, and ways of communicating, and that means what can seem direct to one person can come across as rude or abrasive to others.

This is where self-awareness and empathy are important. If you take a moment to understand the context, the communication and personality style of the other person/people before you speak, you can flex your style to suit them. Not to dilute your message but to help them to understand and respect your position. Sometimes you may choose to be more direct in your approach, and sometimes you may choose to be more polite. Neither is wrong, it’s just different horses for courses.

In this way you can start to consciously create the impact you choose.

How do I know I’m being true to myself and not just people-pleasing?

As your self-awareness grows, so will your sense of your own authenticity. There is a difference between flexing your style of communicating to suit the people you are talking to and rolling over into people-pleasing.

The more you know yourself, your values, and what you stand for, the more you can align your boundaries and behaviour with those. Crucially, that doesn’t mean you need to fall into anticipatory defence. You can hold an authentic position whilst being respectful of the position and needs of others.

People-pleasing is losing your own position and needs for the sake of others, even when it makes you uncomfortable. If you start to notice you are feeling signs of discomfort, anxiety, resentment or rising anger, it’s worth taking some time to think about what you could do to handle the situation differently.

In a meeting, how do I get my voice in the room when others dominate the space?

In the training room, we often set up a meeting table to explore this issue.

If you imagine the table is a room, and everyone around the table is against the walls. Then someone takes a step forward. All attention will go to the person who has moved into the central space.

If a meeting has been going on for a while and you haven’t spoken, and are sitting back in your chair, it’s like you’re leaning against the wall. You become a wallflower.

The longer this goes on, the harder it will be for people to notice you and allow you in when you do want to speak.

So… from the beginning of the meeting, sit up at the table with energy and actively look around at people as they speak. If you have the opportunity to agree with someone, make a small acknowledgement, or even ask a question, then do so. It means you are an active participant.

When the time comes when you want to say something, make a small gesture with your hand, a little further into the space of the table or the air in front of you. This will subtly draw attention in your direction. Then take a deep breath and speak in a positive tone whilst making gentle eye contact around the table, including those next to you.

Practice this when the stakes are low and you are not feeling intimidated. Then you will be ready when it really matters.

Is assertiveness something you’re born with or can it be learned?

Social skills can definitely be learned. You can be assertive whether you are shy or outgoing, loud or quietly spoken.

It takes some thought and a willingness to self-reflect. With self-awareness and emotional intelligence you can examine your patterns and learn what sits behind your actions.

By knowing who you are and your values, you can make an informed choice about how you want to come across and adapt your style as necessary. In this way, you are in the driving seat of your personal impact and assertiveness.

To find out more, check out our Personal Impact and Assertiveness course here.