I’ve spent quite a bit of time just lately negotiating with my 17 year old son around how much time he spends playing game and watching videos versus the time he spends on homework, chores and talking to us, his loving parents. You can probably guess how those negotiations have gone.

The good news is it helps me to hone my negotiating skills because believe me no business negotiation is nearly so difficult!

So I’ve come up with my top five tips for handling negotiations – whether that’s with your boss over your pay rise, a supplier on price or your teenage son on when he’s going to tidy his room.

1. Look for a Win-Win

Negotiation is a tricky business and the most successful ones are those where both sides end up feeling that they have what they want. It is the art of concluding a deal in the best possible way for all parties.

Of course, wanting to win is an important attribute for a good negotiator. If one side always wins in a negotiation at the other side’s expense, it’s not going to do much for the relationship. That may not worry you, but in most cases an ongoing relationship is too valuable to throw it away without some consideration. So looking for a win-win is generally a good idea.

2. Know when it’s right to walk away

Not all negotiations can be resolved to both sides satisfaction – there isn’t always a win-win. So sometimes it’s OK to walk away and not do a deal.

Before you do walk away you need to understand the full cost of that decision. For example, if you decide to switch suppliers because a competitor is cheaper, you might want to consider not just the financial cost of walking away, but the emotional or ethical costs for you and other stakeholders.

Walking away in a huff because it hasn’t gone your way can be costly. At other times you know it makes sense because there isn’t a deal to be made.

3. Never concede. Always trade

I love this one! It says that more often than not there’s something of value that each side has that the other wants. If you can trade something that is of value to the other person but costs you little then you’re on your way to a good deal.

4. Focus on interests, not positions

Positional bargaining rarely works (think of Unions versus Management). What tends to happen is that the sides polarise and nothing gets agreed. Tempers often get frayed and threats ensue.

Stepping back from the negotiation and understanding the underlying interests on both sides can help to resolve things. With my 17 year old son my position is that I want him to spend less time on his games console and more time doing homework. His position is diametrically opposed to mine.

My underlying interest in that I want my son to be happy and successful in life; his is that he wants to enjoy himself and relax. They are not so far apart.
We may have different views about how to achieve those things and that’s where the negotiation lies.

5. Remember that people are involved!

This may seem like stating the blindingly obvious but on both sides of a negotiation there are human beings.
That means that all the baggage that comes with human beings comes along with a negotiation.

Research has shown that personalities and emotions have far more to do with whether or not a negotiation is successful than facts and figures. If I like you, I am more likely to do a deal.

So it’s worth focusing on the soft side of a negotiation, building rapport and understanding the emotions, ethics and needs of the person or people on the other side. At the same time, it’s wise to hold the relationship separate from the negotiation itself, so for instance it’s not personal if things don’t go your way.

If you can do that and build the relationship, you are both more likely to win in the long run.