Why do we so often give advice instead of asking questions?

We are being constructive, no? We simply want to help:

 Oh, I know just how you feel. I felt the same way…

I had that same thing happen to me…

Let me tell you what I did in a similar situation.

Do these sound familiar?

We want to help solve the problem, take the problem away quickly. And yet, so often, our advice only serves to put more distance between the individual and the solution. What’s more, particularly when it most matters, it can erode the very trust and rapport we were intending to build.

So what else can we do?

Imagine you are lost in a strange city…

You have your own map and you know the route you would like to take back to your hotel – a five star luxury spa resort in a castle by the sea.

(This is my metaphor so I am in control of the imaginary details ok?)

You want to go back to your beautiful hotel via a recommended restaurant and a little museum you’d like to visit but you simply can’t find the way from where you are.

You ask a passer-by for help.

They seem friendly. They ignore your map and tell you the way they know. It sounds sensible: they should know, after all they are local.

So you put your own map away, try to absorb their directions, and set off holding on to their words and their pictures in your head. But you can’t quite relate to their version of the city. And soon, you realise you are more lost than before and very tired from the extra walking.

If only the stranger had asked you about your map. Then you might have made your massage appointment…

How it really works

In a recent one to one session with a client, I simulated a real-life scenario with him to build his questioning skills. He was nervous about an upcoming appraisal where he had to give his direct report a lower grade than she was expecting. He landed his message clearly and firmly.

Excellent, and not easy.

This manager then proceeded to talk his way through the next 10 minutes, ‘downloading’ solutions to this person, stuffing the conversation full of advice and opinion.

Now, the advice was well thought-through, and arguably useful, but he left no space to find out about the other person’s perspective or how she was going to improve her performance in the future. And yet he was confused as to why he hadn’t secured buy in.

It made me wonder: how often do we stop to ask if people want our advice?

I hear clients say

It’s so hard when people fall silent!

Or…

I can’t make someone talk!

That’s true of course.

If only we could control other people’s reactions.

It is hard being faced with defensive body language and monosyllabic responses – most of us dread this kind of stonewalling.

So, instead of monologue-ing, what other options do we have?

Questions

Ask more open questions! Absolutely. Simple right?

Five bums on a rugby post and all that. We’ve been on courses, we know this stuff. And yet, when it comes to forming the words in practice, and especially under stress, why does the theory so often leave us?

Trained Problem Solvers

 Seek first to understand, then to be understood

Stephen Covey advocates in ‘The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People’.

An invaluable reminder, because the truth is, most of us seek to be understood first.

This makes sense.

From an early age we are rewarded for providing answers, for problem solving, for advocating our opinion. Not for asking questions. We are recognised and praised in this way from early school exams right through the system to job interviews and promotions. So when we are asked to not be expert, it understandably feels weird and counter-intuitive.

Even when we do take the time to listen, we are often listening with the intent to reply, rather than staying fully engaged with the perspective of the other person. It is hard to let go of our own agenda, however briefly.

Besides, we work under enormous pressure where time is tight and we are paid to come to solutions, quickly. So ‘telling someone’ the answer because the conversation is simply going on for too long, or they’re doing that quiet defensive thing again is, frankly, easier.

Plus, even if we wanted to probe further, it’s not polite to be that nosy is it?

Conscious Choices

What’s more, underneath these valid reasons, we all have well-versed verbal patterns (and many other habitual ways of communicating for that matter) that we may or may not be aware of.

These patterns control our modes of communicating, so under pressure we are most likely to resort to these unconscious default settings. This makes it harder to control our responses when we most need to.

At Aspire, on our personal impact and influencing courses we talk about making conscious choices to create the impact we want to have. And often, when we look more closely, there is a far greater range of options available to us.

A New Strategy

Asking carefully constructed, thoughtful questions based on what you hear is a great strategy for any interaction, and particularly for handling a difficult conversation.

It not only gives us more data to aid the problem solving activity, but it encourages the person we are talking to, to reveal more of their perspective and to take ownership of the issue themselves.

• Good questions save us time and mean we don’t have to do all the work ourselves.
• Good questions build trust and rapport between us and the people in our lives.
• Good questions buy us time to think: invaluable when adrenaline and cortisol are flooding our system in a high-stress situation.
• Good questions make people feel heard and cared for.
• Good questions mean we are worrying less about ourselves, but instead, we are investing time in exploring someone’s else’s view of the world, trusting that they have enough resourcefulness and a ‘map’ of their own.
• Good questions help us be in the present, encouraging small moments of real connection with the people around us.

So here is my question for you…

Next time you are in a conversation and find yourself offering your opinion…..

Stop.

Think.

What good question could you ask instead?

What question will help someone refer to their own map so they can find their own way home?

Go on, give it a try. They will love you for it.