We’re often asked whether we ever find it difficult to do the stuff that we train others to do – like understanding where someone else is coming from or how they are motivated.

And the answer is a resounding

Yes

If we didn’t we wouldn’t be human.

It takes effort, time and energy – so it’s got to be worth it.

And some people are just not worth the effort!

At the moment I would struggle to understand the motivation behind those people that have put time and effort into spamming or spoofing email addresses to hold people to ransom when they naively open an important sounding email.

My inbox – like thousands of other peoples – is crammed with emails asking me to click through or download an ‘invoice’, something from ‘my bank’, the ‘court of justice’, a ‘secret admirer’, HMRC, and so on.

I could spend my energy trying to understand the sick sort of mind that thinks it’s worth flooding the internet with rubbish on the off-chance that someone  – and lets face it, it’s more likely to be some poor soul who can ill afford it – will open their particular little bit of nasty nonsense.

It’s really not worth the effort it would take to bridge the gap between my reality and theirs.

We all have a  limited amount of emotional energy to spend – it’s tiring trying to figure out people who are different to you. And I’d much rather try to understand the person who seems upset or angry when asked to do something that seems reasonable to me.

Like the person who gets uncomfortable in our training room when they realise we’re not going to be using lots of PowerPoint slides and instead we’re going to be talking to the delegates, interacting with them and sharing real experiences. That’s not everyone’s cup of tea and some people prefer the anonymity of a desk facing a screen.

Or the neighbour who has parked across my drive, and not for the first time, when I need to go somewhere important.

Figuring out those people is of benefit to me. If I put the effort into understanding their point of view there is likely to be some kind of pay-off for me. Even if it’s only a quieter life.

Everyone has their own truth and I have mine. The trick is to be able to see their truth and know it for the truth, in their world. It’s pointless saying

yes but if I were them…

I’m not them and so my view would be very different if I were in their situation. I have to be able to find the right thought process that makes me say

yes that makes sense. I would be / do the same if that were true

That can be quite hard to do and we often see people struggle with truly standing in someone else’s shoes and taking on their reality. That reality can be quite uncomfortable at times and that’s the point.

When someone is doing something alien to you their reality is often quite uncomfortable and understanding that discomfort may provide the key to bridging the gap and offering compassion rather than anger.

Then both sides win.